I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
