She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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