This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
