I wish I could punch you in the face.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
