i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
