Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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