tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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