I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
