he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
