the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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