I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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