He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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