what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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