Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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