I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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