I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
