just tell him i said nine months
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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