Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
