May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
