I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
