Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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