I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
