I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
