Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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