Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
