you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
