i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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