I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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