I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
