Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
they need to just BURY HIM!
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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