We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
