what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
