Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
