Having a random hookup so left but love u
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
