I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
