is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What happened to fro yo and sex?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
