I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
