i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
