this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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