I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
