Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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