my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
