Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
