If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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