could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
