fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
