good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
