You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
