you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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