How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
