Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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