If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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